Motion Picture Opinions - Read this dorks

Superhero Movies - A Summer Review in the Fall
                November 30, 2011

When I was younger and significantly more single, I went to the movies at least once a week. On various occasions, that I'm actually proud of, I would go to the theatre for the first showing (often around noon) and stay through two or three movies. Some of you might be thinking, "Christ, that is ridiculous." You would be wrong, because it's fucking awesome.

These days, having a lovely wife and yearning for a healthy sex life, I go to the movies significantly less. Now a days, as they say, I rely on Redbox and rarely found free time (especially since most of these pieces of shit were over two hours long). So I've finally found the time to watch the big blockbusters of this summer, most of which were superhero movies and subsequently origin stories. If you're still reading at this point, you probably know what I mean by that and I digress.

Top of the Pack:
Super 8
Not a superhero movie, but definitely the best new movie I saw this summer, and I actually saw it in the theatre! The best description I heard came up with completely on my own, and no one helped me with it, would be the new Goonies. Now if you haven't ever scene Goonies either go right to hell or go right to your dvd player and watch it, whichever is easier. Super 8 has the same feel. A group of kids sticking together through an extremely adult situation, but handling it better than the adults. I'm talking mom death, alcoholism, the kid from Seventh Heaven acting like a weed dealer, and fucking Aliens. All for the sake of production value and character development. Coach Taylor plays a great angry dad, this time with a gun and a badge instead of a whistle and Minka Kelly. Everyone I have talked to liked this movie: ladies, gents, guys, dolls, pimps, hoes... everyone. It's great.

X-Men: First Class
I also saw this one in the theatre, so my objectivity is now in question. Maybe movies are just better in the theatre. (My real number one, ahead of Super 8, was HP 7.2, but I would never have been able to stop writing about that and then I would have lost my job. I also saw that in the theatre... hmmm) Anyways, the newest X-Men was everything I wanted. It was fun. It didn't take itself too seriously, but it was well made and only let a few stupid things slide through. One being the ridiculously terrible acting of Zoe Kravitz (I'd rather show my boobies than my wings because I'm so troubled... blah blah blah, I can't remember if they killed her off, but I hope so). The others being some action sequences that were over the top even for a superhero movie and Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy being too good at acting (and handsome... too good at being handsome). Great cameo's. Overall good movie... even though January Jones played herself as a bitchy ice princess wearing clothes that didn't make any sense at all. Kevin Bacon's best performance since the commercial where he played the guy who loves Kevin Bacon.

Close Behind:
A lot like X-Men, Thor had its ups and downs. Chris Hemsworth is actually a pretty good actor and he brought a lot to the character. Most people don't give a shit about that stuff and suffice to say, like X-Men, it didn't take itself too seriously. A lot of people don't know a lot about Thor or the legends and background and all that, and I thought I was one of them. But it turns out, nope, it's pretty simple. In his world he is a mighty and powerful warrior, they have had contact with Earth for thousands of years, their not Gods, they just have strength and abilities we don't have. Lovely. That being said, it was really a story about two whiney little bitches. Thor, who was the strong bitch who everyone looked to, but had no common sense, and his brother Loki, the weak bitch who never got enough attention. Their dad, Hannible Lector, was supposed to be very wise, but really should have seen all the problems in the movie coming. So overall it was fun to watch, but didn't really offer much. The side characters were silly. Thor's friends from Odin were just caricatures and were completely forgettable, while Thor's new friends on earth were all great actors, and Kat Denning, who weren't given a chance to act and basically just stared at Hemsworth with his shirt off. Natalie Portman had a ton of opportunity to Black Swan it up, but there was no dancing, lesbian action, or acting involved. You win some, you lose some.

Somewhere behind that:
Green Lantern (AKA - Ryan Reynolds is charming)
So we all know Ryan Reynolds is charming. What we didn't know is Blake Lively is not. Neither is Tim Robbins. Neither are Michael Clarke Duncan and the rest of the Alien Green Lantern voices. High points: Mark Strong is awesome. Peter Sarsgaard can make a shitty character relatively awesome with his superhero acting ability. Low points: The resolution of the movie and most of the scenes with people in them. I still had fun watching it. Some really cool effects and... I was just looking for something else to say and I had nothing. Worth a watch, sure. If you like superhero movies, yeah, watch it. Once.

Then there was:
Captain America: The First Avenger 
AKA - Chris Evans is the new Ryan Reynolds
Another charming leading hero, which is fine, but he literally had no backup on this one. The love interest was boring as all shit. His best friend supported him mildly and then, wait, did he just die, what's going on, is the movie over? Yes, yes it was. A ton of build up with very little pay off. It looked the coolest. It was shot grittily and the death toll was through the roof, but it just wasn't very good. If Tommy Lee Jones can't make your movie worth watching all the way through, you are F'd in the A. That being said, it was another origin story, like Thor, and it was only made to get people ready for the gigantic Avengers move that is coming out next year. Iron Man was awesome. I'll take RDJ as Tony Stark any day. Sammy J... sure, if you're in it, it's probably badass. Jeremy Renner hasn't led me wrong so far, so we'll give him a chance as Hawkman. I don't really get why Scarlett Johansen's character is linked up with all the rest, but I guess it's fine. Three Hulks in ten years worries me, but Mark Rafalo or however you spell his name might do just fine. I'd be significantly more excited if they conned Edward Norton into coming back or if the Ang Lee Hulk with badass Eric Bana didn't suck balls. So Chris Evans was good enough to make me want to see the Avengers,  but I didn't need the movie at all.

Last but not least
Mr. Popper's Penguins

Just kidding, nobody saw this. Jim Carrey stopped being relevant or entertaining in 2005 or whenever he did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yes, I Love you Phillip Morris was great and he was good in it, but it doesn't make up for his long hair Jenny McCarthy phase.

Also in this category: Adam Sandler in "I didn't learn the very direct lesson Funny People tried to teach me and I continued to agree to be in movies like fucking Jack and Jill, Grown Ups, and Just Go With It.
Not yet scene or reviewed: Fast Five 

People whose opinion I truly trust and respect have told me this movie is really fun and one of the best action movies in years. I guess I just don't care. I have looked at it a million times (probably 15 really), and I just can't bring myself to hit the button. I will watch it at some point, and maybe then I'll write how great it is and how impressed I was with it, but until then... Hmmm... not so much.

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